Keep your happiness away from me...
For all it brings me is the bitter reminder
Of my own lack.

Day 2: Something You Regret Not Having Done Last Year

Written May 13, 2011


Hmmm, this is a tough one since I actually did a lot of the things I wanted to do last year:

• get hired on at Stikeman Elliot after my field placement in the Law Clerk program I was doing; 
• leave Stikeman Elliot after my 3-month contract (lol); 
• start running and run in my first 5K race; 
• lose 20 lbs; 
• come to Korea to teach; 
• visit Japan; 
• get LASEK.... 

It was a very accomplished year for me, I'd say. =)

But if I had to pick something, I'd say I regret not having done more research on Korea before coming here. Not saying I wouldn't have come if I had (I may not have come). If I'd done more research, though, I'd have been better prepared to choose a good location and I would have had a better idea of what I was in for. As it was, a lot of things took me by surprise, but dealing with them was a good life lesson.... a lot of good life lessons, actually. And it's been an unparalleled experience.... it's like my Dad says, "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want." lol Love you Daddy.

Day 1: Something I'm Looking Forward To This Year

Written May 12, 2011


I think, to anyone who's spoken to me at all in the last 8 months, that this one is obvious. I am looking forward to leaving Korea. As great an experience as some people have had and as much as I've learned from being here and as much as I've grown as a person; as a woman and as much as I've done some really cool things (Jeju, Wine Train, living in South Korea...), I'll be really happy to go home and be comfortable walking down the street without people staring then nudging their friends to stare too. I actually made a blog about Things/People I'm Looking Forward to When I Get Back to Toronto, so I'll talk about other things. Although I'm ready to ho home, I'm still looking forward to finishing my Korea Bucket List before I go. I'm also looking forward to visiting France for the first time in August. I'm a bit scared too, but I know it'll be great. After France, I'm looking forward to whatever I decide to do until next Fall when I hope to be in school again. So! Here's to the next few months!

28-Day Challenge

I missed being forced to write every day. I know I still could, but I've lost the compulsion to write that comes with knowing you made a commitment that you must honour. So, naturally I went to Google (and my Facebook status update) for ideas. I found a lot, actually, but I liked this one the most. Therefore, starting tonight, I will follow the below list (taken from Something For When You're Bored):

• Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
• Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
• Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
• Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
• Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
• Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
• Day 07: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
• Day 08: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
• Day 09: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
• Day 10: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
• Day 11: Someone who has made your life worth living.
• Day 12: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
• Day 13: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
• Day 14: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
• Day 15: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
• Day 16: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
• Day 17: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
• Day 18: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
• Day 19: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
• Day 20: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
• Day 21: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
• Day 22: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
• Day 23: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
• Day 24: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
• Day 25: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
• Day 26: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
• Day 27: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
• Day 28: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.

I will post each of them, just maybe not right away.

I Still Know What Time It Is

(Written April 22, 2011)

Setting clocks in to the future.
Time distorted and shortened.
Little tricks to ensure optimal performance.
Though I try, the illusion never completes itself.
The trick inevitably fails;
My sense of reality remains unaltered.
I cannot trick myself for long.
I guess I'm just too smart.

Day 100: The Top

Claws pulling at her arms and legs.
Her movements now slow like molasses.
She climbs, sloth-like, towards the top.
Appearing, to the naked eye, lazy; uninspired.

So subtle; invisble are the claws.
So relaxed her demeanour. She makes it look like
Her lack of speed is simply lack of desire.
That if she so chose, she'd already be at the peak.

But the desire is there.
Being hampered by its enemies.
And she climbs on; smiling.
Fully aware that those claws will grow weary
Far sooner than she.

And really, she is in no hurry.
The journey is an end in itself.
For once she peaks, she knows, the only way left
Is down.



-----------------------------
AND I'M DONE!!!! WOOO!!!

Day 99: Like Music To My Ears

(Written April 20, 2011)

These words comfort me like a warm blanket on a cold, rainy evening.
Like a hot bath after a long run.
Like a bowl of cereal after a hard day.

These words massage my shoulders and remind me of my worth.
They soother me better than the smoothest rum
And they restore the levity of my spirit.

Needed though these words were, their value was not even recognized or conceived before receiving them.
But I thank the Creator that they were received at all,
For they healed my broken resolve.

Day 98: Fast Forward

(Written April 19, 2011)

With blinders on, we look ahead
As if looking down the barrel of a gun,
Our tunnel vision unparalleled.
We see only the next step... 114 steps away,
And stumble on the step directly in front.
The future is so much more pleasant,
Signaling the end of this chapter,
Than the chapter itself.

Day 97: Choose Your Own Adventure

(Written April 18, 2011)

Inspiration strikes at the oddest times.
Sparking an idea that at first seems ideal; perfect.
What kind of person are you?
Do you run with ideas or do you
Let them stew until a time you deem worth of action?
Your answer affects the outcome.
If you run, turn to page 13.
If you stew, turn to page 25.

Day 96: Practice Makes Perfect?

(Written April 17, 2011)

Going through the motions,
Awaiting the moment of enlightenment.
Eureka! Aha! It all makes sense now!
This is the moment when everything comes together.
That is the moment I await.

Progressing chromatically,
Plodding along in triads and 7ths... always in groups,
Never alone.

Waiting for the spark that compels
Daily devotion.
In the meantime, it must be forced,
For the desired ends cannot be achieved
By any other means than this.

Day 95: Awkward

(Written for April 16, 2011)

Being surrounded by the foreign locals
Day-in-day-out
Inhibits the social skills of the foreign foreigner.
Thus, among her peers, she is now labelled,
"One of the 'weirdos'."

Day 94: Bubbles!

(Written April 15, 2011)

The bubble rises into the afternoon sky.
Quite unlike the general nature of bubbles,
This one has direction. And purpose.
It shoots, rather than drifts,
And just as you think it'll pop,
It morphs.

As soon as it does, we forget:
Did it merge with another bubble? Or
Did it pop and this is some other bubble
That was floating nearby, unseen?
Or is this the same bubble, but in different form?

But our question goes unanswered,
As our attentions are all now directed towards,
"How do I get in that bubble?"

Day 93: Saviour

(Written April 14, 2011)

All our children inviting.
All these children are fighting.
Oh no, I'm not approving.
Save me
From the world that's encouraging
Save them.

Day 92: What Did I Just Sit And Listen To?

(Written April 13, 2011)

No, I don't agree
And I wasted time just listening.
I think that's stupid
And I'm stupider now.

The next time you want to talk to me,
Here's what you have to do.
Just stop. And don't.
No really, I mean it.
Just don't.

Day 91: Prodigy

(Written April 12, 2011)

Hum-hum-hum
Machinery carries on as normal.
The machinery, it is said, of the prodigy.
Out pops one - two - three .... arcade games.
The perplexed mind queires,
"With all your genius, THIS is what you choose to create?"

But the prodigy is only twelve.
What else would he create?

Day 90: The 'Out' Crowd

(Written April 11, 2011)

Having removed herself from an unwelcoming situation,
She finds her absence largely unnoticed.
Given that her leaving was as a result of feeling(s) hurt,
One can imagine the compounding of said hurt.

She resolves not to leave, but simply to observe.
Give them time to notice and lament her missing (missed?) presence.
All the while, she knows the favour she seeks is unobtainable.
But still she waits.

With the fervour of one
Who wants desperately to believe
They are special;
That one of the faceless masses will join her.

She waits. And is waiting still,
Not wanting to admit to the possibility that she is indeed
NOT. SPECIAL.
Admitting to something such as this would mean
Certain death. Or, at least, sadness.

Day 89: Be Well

(Written April 10, 2011)

Always do what is best for you
You don't have to like everything.
If you're lucky, you can choose to avoid whatever
You hate.
If you're not, go somewhere else;
Do something else.
But do what's best for you.
Always.

Day 88: Look

(Written April 9, 2011)

Perspective really does change everything.
Making a dismal experience seem almost
Worth it.

Day 87: Oh, You Too?

(Written for April 8, 2011)

Truths shared are
Surprisingly similar.
I don't feel so alone now.

Day 86: Stupidhead

(Written April 7, 2011)

Ugly girl
From the mouth of a child
Must it, then, be true?
It is if that child is taught to hate and fear
Anyone looking like you.

Child you have my pity
For, though you know it not now,
Your life is so much poorer
For so many of the ideologies handed down to you.
You have my pity, but only just,
Because you hurt my feelings.

Day 85: We Are Not Neanderthals

(Written April 6, 2011)

Ether 9; Ether 6:
Us; them.
Where we come from;
Where they do.
I'd like to learn more. How about you?
Let's build a ladder; big and strong.
Leading us upward; away from wrong
Let's climb it steadily day-by-day
Confident we can't lose our way.
There is but only one path: up
And on that path we'll never stop.
So make your fun and scoff at will.
Our lives shall be made better still.

Day 84: Does This 'One' Exist?

(Written April 5, 2011)

Since the age of 10,
Longing for, dreaming of you...
Or someone like you.
Working hard to become
The person you want.
Waiting and working.
But... decades pass
Still never having met you.
Meanwhile men around the globe
Settle for lesser women.
So... fuck it.

Day 83: My Confidence

(Written April 4, 2011)

Where did it go?
Placed here only a m oment ago
With the proudest of flourishes,
Displayed for all to see.
Now so minute as to almost be invisible.
Was it really so weak?
So easily exhausted; used up?
Is there a way to pump life back into it?
The search begins.

Day 82: Maybe. Maybe Not

(Written April 3, 2011)

Possibility.
As powerful as it is,
It is no wonder we all seek it.
Even the smallest of these are exalted and fought for.
As long as it exists,
It weilds the greatest control.

Day 81: Comments

(Written April 2, 2011)

Spilling out from a place unknown,
With a venom so strong it
Completely debilitates and destroys
Instantly.
What antidote exists for a thing such as this?

Day 80: That's Too Bad

(Written April 1, 2011)

Beautifully, life is
Complicated. Simplicity bores me.
(Why are my poems often introspective?)
With complexity comes the ability to
Compartmentalize "how's life?"
Nothing is ever all good or all bad.
But, the bad overshadows good so easily...
안됐구나 (Andekunah)

Day 79: Huh, How About That?

(Written March 31, 2011)

Having come to a startling revalation,
The question becomes:
Is it a problem?
If yes, why?

Day 78: Bottled Up

(Written March 30, 2011)

Try and try and try again
Never let them win.
Never let them see your tears,
Lest you let them in...
Keep your struggles to yourself;
Burden no one else.
People like you when you smile;
Never when you show and tell.

Day 77: Racism (Yeah, I Went There.)

(Written March 29, 2011)

Brown girl, brown girl, what do you smell?
I smell that sack of shit you're trying to sell.
Black girl, black girl what do you hear?
I'm listening to the lies you whisper in my ear.
Red girl, red girl, what do you taste?
The bitterest injustice, hunger and waste.
Yellow girl, yellow girl, what do you feel?
The weight of the long dead leading me still.
White girl, white girl, what do you see?
I see brown, black, red and yellow girls, staring at me.


*(Inspired in part by Bill Martin's "Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you See?")
**(The question is: who is asking these questions?)

Day 76: The Experience

(Written March 28, 2011)

Oh so sweet,
The way we are to small children
And dumb animals.
How easily we miscommunicate
When one speaks but the other does not listen.

The jibber jabber of the everyday
The pitter patter of small feet on eggshells
The chitter chatter over other's heads and behind our backs.
Talking smack in unknown languages
Of the body and face.

Convincing ourselves that we act selflessly
When acting for our own convenience we
Smile and agree, then instantaneously do a 180... while mentally
We curse each other and question each other's sanity.
Can't you see?

This is veritable toxicity.
And we
Smile effortlessly
Neither of us admitting defeat.

Day 75: Group "Discussion"

(Written March 27, 2011)

You may speak to your hearts' content.
You are all free to express and share
So long as I like it.... so not you.

Step back please, I don't appreciate your p.o.v.
Therefore, I refuse to hear it.
Do-sit-down-and-keep-quiet
Thanks-you're-such-a-doll.

Would anyone else like to share?

Day 74: You're Toxic

(Written March 26, 2011)

Your love.
So hot that every touch
Sets the hairs on my skin alight.
And I feel them singe.
But this love, so toxic; corrosivve; irresistable.
I don't even notice when my skin
Melts from my body, exposing
Tissue an dmuscle and nerve.

Now completely raw from your "love"
Every action, reaction and inaction burns.
Every breeze that blows, every breath you whisper into my ear
Sends seering pain all through me.
But I am still too enamoured to piece together the clues
And detach myself from you.

Day 73: What Luck!

(Written March 25, 2011)

In the midst of anger and frustration,
A short temper was kept at bay
For good reason (she's doing her best)
And with excellent results.

What joy we experience, when we are given rare
Fortuitous opportunities. Even more joyous still
When the fortune comes  after the frustration.

Tempers checked, the fortune can simply be enjoyed
Without feelings of guilt at having behaved poorly
Before receiving such a gift.

Day 72: Wild Wild East

(Written March 24, 2011)

Rolling, rolling, rolling
Flowing and going
his is really not that simple.
Why is it easier to brace
And be abrasive?
Why is it more difficult to just smile
And say, "okay sure"?
Maybe I'll figure it out one day.
Until then: roll, flow and go.

Day 71: Parallels Never Meet

(Written March 23, 2011)

One says thirteen
The other says a Baker's Dozen.
The one hears 'dozen' and thinks twelve.
The two argue indefinitely
With the one not realising they are saying the same thing
And the other not realising the one does not realise.

Day 70: My People?

(Written March 22, 2011)

Death and madness abound; surround.
Falling through the cracks are the
Helpless and apathetic.
Those we neither seek nor receive;
The wrongdoers who believe themselves wronged;
The bored and disinterested who pretend to themselves
They do not know the consequences of their actions (and inaction);
Could not predict them.

Running away from trouble we create
So naive as to think it's not our fault.
The shoddy carpentry we perpetrate,
Crumbling down around us and we ask
"Why?"

What learned ignorance is this?
what bliss can be found here?
We do not know our story, sow e have no foundation.
Anything we build will fall. HARD,
For it wil have been built on nothing.

But how can we be blamed?
Those of us who ask questions; who challenge
With the intent to learn, are dismissed. Put in their place.
Laughed at. "How could you not know?"
But if we are never told, even when we ask,
What else can be expected?

We are a diminished version of our once proud selves.
Lost, so many centuries ago, to the lure of the unknown.
When we were tending to the health of our communities,
They were tending to the health of their economies;
Planning ways to bolster their egos and land through atrocities.

And now, centuries later, after we have been
Sold, broken, enslaved, programmed, conditioned and "freed"
We cling to that which first dishonoured our names.
We are, all of us, mad.
We are, all of us, dead.

Day 69: Round and Round and Round We Go

(Written on March 21, 2011)

Cycles
Slow, but definite repitition.
One season becoming the next, next, next,
Then back to one.
Without fail, charted by
The moon, the tide, the month,
Expectation met, inexplicably, unsurprisingly.
Good, bad, or mediocre, but always
Inevitable.

Day 68: Silly Questions

(Written March 20, 2011)

Who can love me?
Taking every imperfection
And viewing them through the lens of acceptance;
Satisfaction.

Who can see me?
Beyond the defence mechanisms
And dismissive jokes to find
Raw beauty.

Who can feel me?
Cursed with a disposition towards
Anger and negativity...
Who would want to?

Can I stay me and find one such as this?
Before I die?

Day 67: New Buddies

Instant  connections
Fearful, but reckless
Trusting, but cautious
Going with the flow,
Always with an escape rout planned.
It's nice to make a new friend. =)

Day 66: Circumstance

(Written March 18, 2011)

What makes 'choice' so invisible?
How can we be in a situation and feel we are unable to change it?
How can we EVER say
"I had no choice"?
There is ALWAYS a choice.
Whether the other option is a desirable one...
That's another issue.

Day 65: Owlman

(Written March 17, 2011)

Approaching another milestone
The questions creep in:
Am I ready? What next? Why now? How'd I get here?
The answers are often the same:
"Doesn't matter."

Day 64: Opposites and Alliteration

(Written March 16, 2011)

High on possibility
Low on change
Restlessly wrestling restive restraints
Eager to please the same
Outwardly opposed; inwardly intrigued
Drugged into dreams; dreary drudgery
Innocent implications turn ignitable
Dangerous dealings declare dubious dares.

Day 63: L.O.L.

(Written March 15, 2011)

Daily terror of the mind
Rushes in and out of time
Taking with it the memories of yesterday and days long past.
Fulfilling prophecies told at birth
Ageing quickly and slowly all the time
Take this pamphlet and read it
Knowing it was written for you... in love

Pay no heed to the men and women of today
Who hate in silence. I love out loud.
Always and forever.
Terror has no place inside my love.
No place. None.

Day 62: Let/Let Not

(Written March 14, 2011)

Let your words go unspoken
Let your promises be few
Let their expectations for them
Be no higher than yours for you

Let the colours fade
Let the wrinkles deepen
But never let the light in your eyes
Ever darken; ever die.

Every glisten of life that you shed on the ground
Is retrieved by one lesser in faith or mind sound.
Let them take what they can
Let them soak up your rays
Always shine like God's hand
On these terrifying days.

Day 61: Gem

(Written March 13, 2011)

A block of ice with a diamond inside
Chisel into it
Set it over a fire
Axe the block in half
Sculpt the block into the shape of a gem
In the end, everyone gets a diamond.
There is no one way to do any one thing.
Paths may cross but they are never the same as the next.

Day 60: Hurt

What power words have
More so: thoughts.
A word uttered; with no malintent
But misinterpreted;
Does as much damage
As if that were its purpose.

Day 59: This Love

(Written Mar 11, 2011)

The fire of a thousand suns
The passion of an irate bull, charging its target
The intensity of a downpour during hurricane season
And all the fear that comes with it...
None of these even touch my love.

For it is more fiery, passionate, intense and intimidating
But also more thrilling and dizzying than your first roller coaster ride
More tender than the softest satin
More high-inducing than the highest grade or the most illicit drug.

If I could patent this love, I'd be rich beyond measure
But there are virtually none who could handle its power
Its raw energy. None who would not be done in by their own attempts to imitate.
It is a greater service I do for the World by keeping my secrets secret
While I wait. Watch and wait
For the only other who can withstand-- nay-- embrace
This love. And who knows this love as his own.

Day 58: Maps

(Written Mar 10, 2011)


Europe, we romanticize
Asia, we exoticize
But Africa, we demonize?
What's up with that?

How easy do you think it was
For the powers that be to build a buzz
And then to convince all of us
A continent is what it's not?

Day 57: Story

(Written Mar 9, 2011)


Following our hero's travels
We see him make a pit stop in an unknown village.
He asks a local, sitting by a fountain,
"Excuse me sure. What's the name of this place?"
The man replies, "Hell."
Oh my, thinks our hero,
who then suspects the man to have perhaps just received some bad news or to have fallen on hard times.

Our hero asks again of a woman he encounters.
She is sweeping her front step.
"I call it my own personal nightmare," she grumbles.
Goodness me. Must be a rough town.

Finally our hero finds a child.
"Excuse me little one, what sort of place is this?"
The child, finger in ear, thinks about our hero's question, then finally answers,
"My mum says it's a place where you work hard or you starve."
Our hero, stunned into silence but for a moment,
Mutters under his breath,
"Egad, this IS Hell."

Day 56: Time to Smarten Up, Pumpkin.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...
Tick... tick... tick... tick...
Standing still... time.
Nothing progresses; nothing grows.
No one ages; no one learns.
Stuck in the hapless, hopeless, dissonant rhythm of stupidity
And punishment.

Day 55: I'll Get To It

"I will change," she told herself
"Tomorrow."
She made vows to lose weight;
Get rid of the habits men hate;
Resolutions to be healthier; wealthier.
The pressure on herself getting heavier
Tomorrow.

But tomorrow never comes.
Each day, the same promises run
"Tomorrow."
It never comes,
Because after so long,
This thought runs strong, but under the surface,
"If I change myself, who will I be?
I won't be me."

Day 54: --

Halfway through it all,
My strength weakens; is broken.
Can I reach the end?

Day 53: Cheers

Time to think and think and over-think
Time to cry and feel worthless
Time to talk yourself down
And beat yourself up
Time for lonely

But at the same... time...

A chance to reflect and address
A chance to keep the good and discard the musty
A chance to learn new things and see new places
To meet new people and discover yourself
To find things you never know you had in you
So, here's one for lonely. May we never hide from it.

Day 52: Toronto

(Written Mar 4, 2011)

Melting pot
Of tastes, smells, sights and sounds.
The world brought together
And dwelling in one city.
One large city... that thinks small.

Day 51: Heat

Spreading like wildfire
Moving quickly; virus-like
Attacking the stiff; the frozen
Leaving them soft; malleable.

For what purpose? To what end?
The spectators dare not ask
For fear of the answer
Worried that they may be faced with a difficult choice
If the answer is revealed to be of dubious nature

For now, the intentions are kept a mystery
But the benefits of the actions continue to be enjoyed.

Day 50: This Is A Bad Habit I Should Probably Break

What am I doing
Allowing you back in?
Is this a bad idea?
Can any good come of this?
And why? Is it just loneliness?
If it is, then I'm doing you a great disservice.

Don't worry about me. I'm a grown up. I can handle it. 

You say.

But I'm already getting annoyed by your habits
Again
And you're already doing the things I hate
Still.

Just use me like I'm using you.

What?

What?

... I gotta go

... uh yeah, me too.

Call me tomorrow?

I'll definitely try!

sigh It WAS a bad idea.

What?

What?

Day 49: Other Questions Include, "Is it Possible?" and "How Can I Accomplish This in Korea?"

What do you do when
Without your consent
Something once central in your life
Must now be eliminated?

The question is not:
"Is it for the better?"
This is irrelevant.
The question is not:
"Why?"
This, too, bears no effect.
The question is not:
"How did this happen?"
Questioning of this nature leads only to frustration.
Also: longing and sadness.

The question IS:
"What now?"

Day 48: One of Those Things That Happens to Everyone When They Come Here.

Pulling me this way and that
Whirling like a dervish
Losing focus.
Dizzying, discombobulating, discouraging.
This is the new commonplace.
It gets so a body
Just wants to quit.
But the mood is changed so easily.
I wonder:
When did I become so
Fickle?

Day 47: Snip Snip

This well is running dry.
How much could I possibly have left in me?
What more can be required?

My emotional and physical health:
Gone.
Will you try to take the mental too?

No strength left to fight.
A flaky wisp of a shell
The hull of what was once
Strong, confident, beautiful
And, at times, happy.

Caring too much. Being too angry and excitable.
Even now, putting too much energy where
It is not warranted.

Am I wrong?
Am I being broken?
Well, in this case anyway...






I'M CUTTING THE MOTHER FUCKING CHORD!

Day 46: H2O

Whether Winter or Summer,
All times of day and night,
The body yearns for it;
Endlessly thirsting for
Rehydration.

Day 45: Bedtime

Tell me a story;
Make it sweet.
I can tell
This will be a treat.

Sing me a lullaby;
Make it slow.
I don't care
How the words go.

Rock me gently
In your arms,
So I can dream of
A world with no harm.

Day 44: Over and Over and Over Again

(Written Feb 24, 2011)

I may die due to illness and fatigue
Because, really,
I am sick and tired of being
Sick and tired.
Every week
Relief is what I seek
Sickness keeps me weak
And is turning me meek...
Is there a lesson I'm not learning?

Day 43: Walls

Like an obstacle course;
A maze where the paths change.
The walls, equipped with feet
Spring out ahead of our weary traveler
With no notice. And no door.

Building frustrations
As the traveller attempts to adopt an attitude
Of change;
Tries to be fluid and move smoothly as the walls do.
And, for a time, our traveller is successful.

Until, amazingly, the walls stand still.
The feet disappear and, one by one,
So do the walls.
Our traveller sees the holy grail. The end.
Straight ahead.

Moving forward, boldly, our traveller
Is knocked backward to the ground with the
Force of 854 bricks.
The walls now spring from the ground
Surrounding our traveller.

No way over, under or around.
Frantic, our traveller looks around and notices a mushroom.
And reaches down to touch it...
*You have received 1 new item:
SLEDGEHAMMEEERRRRRRR*

Day 42: *Sigh*

Pain is truly exhausting
Sapping your very energy until you
Wake up and don't remember
How you got where you're at.

As the pain subsides,
So does your consciousness
Until all you remember
Is sweet relief.

Day 41: Fate

In every encounter, there is a window:
One of opportunity.
To turn chance into destiny;
To turn coincidence into serendipity;
To turn happen-stance into fate.

Some are more fortunate than the rest.
These 'some' get many windows
Making it appear that these encounters were meant to be.
Fated from the beginning. And that nothing need be done.
Except to allow the meeting to run its course.

The key, either way, is to have encounters.
Just have encounters.
How else will you know?
How else COULD you know?

Day 40: Begin

Yearning for change
Fearing difficulty
Too lazy to lift a finger.
Bored. Listless. Anything will do.
Plans unfulfilled.

The Brain slows.
The Body deteriorates.
Sinking into indifference.

Flip flip.

A spark of newness
A turning page.

Flip flip.

Let's start anew
Let's break the trend
Mediocrity, your time has come to an end.
Excellence, ambition, purpose.
A new driving force.
A new start.
Let's begin.

Day 39: Philosophies

Never this; do that.
Life's philosophy awesomely thought to be set in stone.
Never changed in ages
Never turned the pages
Stuck in an endless, friendless world this kid alone.
Reaching out for something, anything, ending up with nothing she can use; all her existence been abused.
Born to a system where her kind will always lose
No one dares to walk in her shoes.
She's paid her dues. Never complaining; never forgetting her place
In this never-ending rat race.

Now she gets to shine; putting everything on the line
She gets to change her awesomely sloppily formed
Philosophy of life.

Now... she gets to put away the knife.

Day 38: Blech

Being sick
Comes with the expectation,
That when one takes one's medication,
It will fulfil its obligations!

Make me better; make me well;
Take me from this painful hell;
Get real tough and mean and tell
My body to shape up!

Day 37: Adult

Green and misty
I know that you missed me.
Red and flirty
I'll marry when I'm thirty.
Black and bossy
You don't wanna cross me.

.....

Children's games
Are all the same
Fun and cute
And silly to boot.
But grow up.

Day 36: Needy

(Written Feb 16, 2011)

Ping. Ping. Ping.
Every day. All day.
Incessant, unending,
Overwhelming
Need...

Communications in return
Few and far between
Talk to me!
24/7
Ping. Ping. Ping.

Day 35: Unsure

Moving in one direction
Swiftly and surely
Then taking a bold step
And stumbling; almost falling.

Change direction.

Moving. Moving.
More cautiously now
But still with confidence.
Another crossroads. No signposts.
Go straight and turn left.
And fall. Flat on your face.

Change direction.

Moving. Slowly.
Shaky steps due to previous injuries.
Fork in the road.
Halt... Look left. Look right.
Frozen.
Which way?

Day 34: Speed

Quickly formed;
Borne of a desire; a fantasy.
Too hastily assembled and thus
Unstable.
Wobbly like so much jell-o.
Swaying from this way to that
Until a strong wind blows and then

It crumbles
As easily as it was built.

Day 33: Receding Syllables

Take nothing personally.

Nothing. nothing. nothing.

Repeating often

Makes it habit...

Hopefully.

Learning

Hurts.

-------------------------

Take-no-thing-per-so-nal-ly. (7)

No-thing-no-thing-no-thing. (6)

Re-pea-ting-of-ten (5)

Makes-it-ha-bit... (4)

Hope-ful-ly. (3)

Lear-ning (2)

Hurts. (1)

Day 32: Ditched

Promise made; promise broken
A friend left in the lurch
A, really and truly, thoughtless act
A shining display of lack of tact
Did never, at any point, on your back
Your conscience's visage perch?

Is there any regret?
Is there any remorse?
What a great fortune that in the end
Our abandoned victim made a friend
And at her place a night did spend
But no, she's not mad, of course.

Day 31: What Everyone Knows

Passion and excitement
Make the most pragmatic ones
Lose their heads sometimes.

( written today, because I missed yesterday. Boooo)

Day 30: Dream

(Written Feb 10, 2011)

Someone said
That we already are
Who we dream of becoming.
Well,
I sure hope so.
I mean,

There must be some symbolism there
But the message is still quite clear
Within each of us lies
A power of unknown size
The potential and skills
And the required strength of will
To be and do
What we dream.

And that's cool.

Day 29: Letting Go

(Written Feb 9, 2011)

How many-a-chance
Must I give you
Before I stand up and walk away?

When will my loneliness end
And hold you in account
For the things you say?

Today? Tomorrow? I dare not guess
The answer might surprise
But it will probably be
When my insecurity drops its guise.

Day 28: Empty

(Written Feb 8, 2011)

Every entry ending in a quick exit.
Rapid flow; in-out-in-out
Then you, like a disease, consume everything in your path
And spit it out like trash
Leaving behind no goodness
No happiness
Nothing.

Absorbing every drop of nourishment
From my already exhausted body
Until my defences have been shot
Leaving me...
Empty.

Day 27: Weak

Unexpected kindness
New acquaintances
Potential friendships and
Good days
Weaken my resolve.

Day 26: Your Expense

(Written Feb 6, 2011)

Things broken; things fixed:
Throw them in the mix.
Things old and things new:
Put it all in the stew.
Make it hot; make it cold,
Lest it ever grow mould.
Make it bad; make it good,
So it's all understood:
Whether clever or dense,
We laugh at your expense.
We laugh at your expense.
We laugh at your expense.
Whether happy or sad,
Our wit is iron-clad.
Our wit is iron-clad,
Whether groovy or rad.
Whether chilled out or tense,
We laugh at your expense.
We laugh at your expense,
While we spit out nonsense.

Day 25: Creations

(Written Feb 5, 2011)

We fancy ourselves powerful
We fancy ourselves strong.

The masters over everything

Who never can do wrong.

We're God's greatest creation;

The ones who broke the mold

The end-all and the be-all

E'er since the days of old.

But what if all that we have learned

That causes all we do--

What if our premises for life

Were, not one of them, true?

What if the beast that we disdain

Disdain us all in turn?

What if they laugh in our faces

Thinking we never learn?

Our pets will learn all our commands

They understand our words

But no matter how much they bark

We're strangers to their world.

We care for them because we love

"Forever a child" we say.

But what if they see us catering

To their every need, like slaves?

What makes us think that we're so great?

I mean, really, is it clothes?

Or technology, like the iPod

Or maybe it's our prose.

I don't know where I'm going with this

And I think that it shows

But like my original question,

I guess only God knows.

Day 24: Hotel

(Written Feb 4, 2011)

I wonder what people do in here
And how much of it is left
How much does it involves such things
As sex; debauchery; theft?

I step into the room each day
And marvel at its art
But then a sudden thought strikes me
"Why does it smell like fart?"

Day 23: Bust

(Written Feb 3, 2011)

Do not stand over me
And patronize
Do not try to move on and forget
And do NOT misinterpret my behaviour
To be pennant or sheepish.

If you choose to be oblivious
As to how your actions
Are just as instrumental
In these... unfortunate frustrations
Then they will continue

If you choose to believe
I am at fault. and act as such,
Alienation'll be the destination
Or bust.

Day 22: Expect

(Written Feb 2, 2011)

Too easily we
Forget the moment. Thinking
Only of the next.

Expectations stand
In the way of enjoying
Just what is good now.

Day 21: Say

"Hey baby girl," said he to she.
"You are my world," said she to he.
Amazing how on such differed frequencies
Two kindred souls can be.

"Let's just be friends," said her to him.
"My life will end," said him to her.
These things we use, so dangerous,
But holding simple labels, 'words.'

In word and thought and action too
Much care we're meant to take,
For as the smouldering world doth turn,
Endless mistakes we're bound to make.

Day 20: --

Plans made;
Plans foiled.
Disaster;
Disappointment.
My skin burns, but still
I am cold at the core.
Failure.



Fuck.

Day 19: Writing

Staring at a blank page
The pages before: filled
With emotion; observation; reflection.
Taunting. Mocking.
Evidence of more creative days
Each full page asking,
"Why can't you write today?
Have you run out of mojo?"

Day 18: Connectedness

Panic
Pure and utter.
Embarrassment
Entirely encompassing.
Terror
Thought inhibiting.

All it takes is 1 person-
-One-
-To turn it all around;
To be the shining example
Of the humanity left in the world;
To prove
Our connectedness.

To this one person
We are deeply grateful.

Day 17: Remembered

The same to all
Or a special one to each?
Would you, floating above your loved ones,
Rather hear many, "She was XYZ"s?
Or would you prefer, "To some she was X. To me she was the bees knees."?

I think I'd prefer the latter. Gives me more leeway to be
Remembered positively.
Just a thought.

Day 16: Nature vs. Nurture

What is in our nature?
Who makes that call?
Are they ever right? (Would we know?)
Biggest question: Can we change it?
Our own or another's: can we change it?

Can it be in someone's nature
To thrive under pressure? (Sure, you say)
How about... not listening? (Uh...)
Is that an inherent personality trait?
Or something that can be hammered out... figuratively.

Or literally.

Day 15: Tired

1, 2, 3, 4, all before 8am
5, 6, 7, a few more times before I leave
8, 9, 10, even at work before I've started working.

All throughout the day.
Online; offline
Awake; in my dreams and in your eyes.
Voluntarily; incidentally; in passing; out of necessity
I am tired of looking at my face.

Day 14: Okay

It's okay to care.
It's okay, I promise.
Don't get all wrapped up in it
But there is nothing wrong, is there
With a person who values others' opinions?

So long as you recognize
Their say is not the be-all and end-all of...
Anything.
That it won't ruin your life; it can't.
It's okay to care what people think.

It's okay to feel.
Don't let it disable you from rational thought or anything.
But there's nothing wrong with letting your blood boil
Every once in a while.
It's okay to feel anger.

I promise.

Day 13: Art

You hurt my feelings
When you disregard my art.
Now my doors are closed.

Day 12: The Iron Veil

Misgivings and misinterpretations.
False securities and misinformation.
Results of a veil made of the heaviest, most opaque
Iron.
Voluntarily shielding us from the truth.

Walking around with blinders
That we adorn with the latest bling;
Our favourite pancha pancha;
Our pieces of flare.

We choose the blindfold 9.5 times out of 10.
We are born without it, but
Are given infinite chances to appropriate it
To ourselves. To attach it to our identities
And we choose it, because it offers us
Convenience. It provides ease and comfort.

With this veil, this, the heaviest of accessories, I am not burdened with the
Hassle of thought. I am not hassled with the
Annoying, ever-present buzz in my ear
Telling me of the need for
Conscious action.

With this veil, I upon thee tread.
Oblivious to your plight, my plight.
Willingly unaware of the
Hell
I am creating for
Myself.

With this veil, I thee wed.

Day 11: Coffee

Deep, rich.
Ripples expand from  my centre.
Giving off  the scent; the aroma
Of strength, earth, vigour.

They enter you as easily as air
And fill your being as completely
As coffee.

Lending you my energy; my essence.
Boosting your already glowing personality,
So that it virtually blinds.

Day 10: Raw

Raw.
Real, grimy, seedy
Plant it, watch it grow.
Do nothing but water it
And anything you can to let it
Be.

Day 9: Story

Scritch scratch
Crick crack
Let the story begin
*ahem*

But first a proviso
A disclaimer, to
Dis claim; dis own.
Ok, now for the story...

After this brief message
To remind you of something you forgot and don't need.
Now let's get on with our story.

As soon as I have a glass of water
And loosen my vocal chords
me- me- me-
Alright kids, are you ready for our story?
Excellent.
Right after I--

Day 8: In My Own Time

Why not me? Huh? Why not me?
I ask myself.
Watching other people's lives and questioning
Why they got so lucky. How?

Standing with my nose pressed against the glass;
My covetous breath fogging up the store window.
So much so, that I can't see through any more.
And as the fog clears, I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

And myself says to I,
"See, you don't need to worry about me.
You see behind me?
I got a lot. A lot of what THEY do. And don't.
Health, love, talent, beauty,
Clarity."

And for the first time, I open my eyes
And look again through the glass.
And what I see pleases me,
Because it no longer serves as a reminder
Of what I lack,
But instead brings me joy in their happiness
And hope for my own.

So you don't have to worry about me.
I will have what I seek
In my own time.

Day 7: Check

Make haste.
Quickly. Get on board.
It is the thing
We all do. Get on board.

Follow the herd;
Make no waves.
Sssshh, keep quiet.
Are you afraid?
Good that might just keep you in
Check yourself before you
Wreck. Yourself

Head down; hustle.
Be a step; never the climber.
And smile, while others reach higher heights
On the back of your efforts;
While you remain on level one
While you stay stuck in ground zero
While you sit at the drawing board: blank.
And smile.

Day 6: Would You Be Friends With You?

The page of a magazine.
Staring up at me.
Pulled off the shelf and added to my less than 10 items
On a whim.
The questions go on and on,
Seemingly light-hearted
At first.

The pen checking off the right options with ease.
Yes, no, maybe when I'm dead, abso-friggin-lutely.
Then it stops. Stumped.
Stuck on question #9.
"Would you be friends with yourself?"
Huh.

Contemplation. The deep kind. Introspection.
I meet myself. We click. Of course.
"So far so good," I say to myself.
Not myself. To me.

Time goes by. Things are going well, but something is starting to feel...
Off.
Then myself starts pulling some straight up, uncool, high school
Bullshit.
Guilt trips; backwards comments; DRAMA.

Snapping back to the magazine page,
The pen hastily checks off,
"No."

Day 5: Affliction

Do something!
Don't just sit there!
You can't let me suffer this way!!
Don't you see my dying?!
Can't you see it eating at me?!

It is an unbearable condition.
An affliction that I cannot escape.
I. AM. SUFFOCATING. in my own self-pity
And I can see NO. WAY. OUT!

It's KILLING me.
It is ROBBING ME of my life.
Of fulfilment. Of joy.
Or meaning. Of  love.

Get me out of this pathetic hole!
I'm trapped in 17,000 ways
And I need HELP!

Day 4: Endings

What is ending?
It is only a re-beginning.
Mourning is not for the ending,
But for the struggle ahead;
For the left behind;
For the starting over or the waiting to die.

What is beginning?
It is new; it is birth.
Terrifying unknowns;
Thrilling variables;
Unavoidable tribulation;
Veritable transmutation.

What is 'what is'?
It is.

Day 3; Poem 3

Medicine


A full, round stomach;
A heart full of laughter and joy.
Medicine: potent.

A smile creeping onto my face;
Closing my eyes to fully re-experience the experience.
Therapy: effective

Warm embraces; friendly faces;
Offers of help and gifts to boot.
Happiness: definite.

Day 2; Poem 2

The Jumble

Lips pursed; pointed upwards.
Words spit out
Like so much water from a hose.
I look up and see them there.
The letters all in a jumbled pile,
Hovering above my head.
Until I no longer recognize them as mine.

As if I have no control
As if taking a life of their own
The jumbles changes shape
The letters rearrange.

STOP!
I didn't say that!
Except they came from my mouth.
When did they turn into insults; sarcasm; sass?
I could have sworn it started as humour.

What did I just say?
Now everything's ruined,
And I have no one to blame,
But those stupid letters.

Day 1: Poem 1 (Jan. 12)

Snow

Blowing from the trees
Crunching underfoot
Nature's concealer
Hiding the ugly and dull
The snow covers it all.

Spite, envy, greed
Through them all we speed
As if this is normal
Even good.

Good morning.
I can't see you for all the snow you're wearing
Go inside; warm up a bit,
So I can recognize your face.

What's that?
I can't hear you for all the snow in my ears.
You must have said something unpleasant.
I'll let the snow melt a bit
Hopefully by then you'll have changed your tune.

100 Poems: 100 Days THE CHALLENGE

A friend of mine sent out one of those "2010 In Review" e-mails recapping his progress and changes and activities last year. I think I might do one. But in that review he mentioned having been challenged to write 1 poem a day for 100 days. The challenge wasn't issued to me, but I've decided to take it on anyway! I actually started yesterday. 1 poem per post per day for 100 days. Let's do it!