Panic

I want so desperately to be passionate about something.
Like Susan Orlean in Adaptation
I find I feel nothing more than piqued interest in any one thing.
And I hate myself for it.

I want to know, categorically where I fit in this world
And what my purpose is. And I think that's the only thought that ever
Keeps me up at night. That ever
Makes me anxious.

And tonight as I sat on the crapper, waiting
I thought. And suddenly became panicked.
I dread the thought of doing what I've been doing these past 2 months
For another hour, let alone 2 more months
When my contract ends.

And I try so hard to think
THINK
Of what I could possibly want to do with my life.
(Music? Law? Art?)
That would give it meaning.
That would give me pleasure. And peace.
That I wouldn't get bored with in months and grow sick and tired of suddenly.

Suddenly I remember someone saying that it's
The journey.
That's what makes anything worthwhile.
It's how you get there that makes getting there worth anything.

But I am bored and, admittedly, impatient.
And I want to stay in my bed, or else go to some other part of the world and
Start over.

I feel suffocated. I feel trapped between
What I want (which is what?) and
What I think I ought to do
To be responsible
To keep from burning bridges. To be normal.
To grow up. I don't want to grow up. Not yet.

But it seems I'm here. On that road. On that ride.
And I can't stop it.
And I WANT to STOP it. I want to GET OFF!!
I want to cry. I want to scream.

Then I want to laugh and be happy
And stop making the people around me miserable
Or uncomfortable. Or unsure what to say or how to act.
Or angry and fed up with this
Whiny, self-absorbed, instant gratification-seeking
Child.

Maybe I'm depressed.
Maybe it's this FUCKING WINTER.


Maybe it's just PMS.

It Hurts - Sep. 29/Oct. 14, 2009

It hurts to say
It hurts the way
I love you madly; painfully.

Distracting myself with foolish games,
So I don't seem like I'm waiting.
I want to please you.
Oh, but I need you
To want to please me too.

We are fighters, intensely.
We are lovers, immensely.
You are my flow, I am your ebb
In tandem.

It hurts to say
It hurts the way
I want you madly; desperately.

Oh take my heart in your hands.
I trust it there implicitly.
Don't let me see it broken;
Don't let me see it fall.
Don't let it grow old or grow cold.

I am your other, significantly.
I am your lover, magnificently.
I'll take your pain; share your shame.
I'm all you'll ever need.

It hurts, but oh, it's such a good hurt.
I love you crazily; emphatically; painfully.